Newer Jokes

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...

Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...

But fart just one damn time ...

As a confirmed melancholic,
I can testify that the best
And maybe the only antidote
For melancholia is action.
However, like most melancholics,
I also suffer from sloth.
--Edward Abbey


My Favorite Things has changed

Recently Julie Andrews gave a concert for AARP, at which she sang her hit
from the Sound of Music, but the words were changed. Here are the new words
to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had ~~

And then I don't feel so bad.

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you
fully understand the situation. -- Sunshine mag, 6.88 p29

Perhaps oldies

but sorta' racy 'r fun. Enjoy.

Some sayings of famous people:

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Bruce Willis (on the difference between men and women)

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane. Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men, golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again." Elizabeth Taylor

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

Dean James once interviewed Elizabeth Peters about her three different [mystery] series characters—Vicky Bliss, Jacqueline Kirby, and Amelia Peabody—and asked what were their most exasperating qualities. To which, Ms. Peters replied, "My dear, they have no exasperating qualities. I modeled all three to some extent on myself."