Three bits of humor

How many big ten students does it take to change a light bulb???

At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as an Ivy League school.

At Northwestern it takes four. One to change the bulb, two to place bets on how long it will take, and one to run the book.

At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high from it.

At Ohio State it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Michigan Students.

At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.

At Minnesota it takes twelve. Two to figure out how to screw it in, ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match the school colors.

At Penn State it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than the rest of the big 10, and 50 to realize it's all a lie.

At Purdue it takes 29,000. What else are they going to do on a Saturday night.

At Iowa it takes none. There is no electricity in Iowa.

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.

• Anonymous

A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.

• Robert Frost

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?

• Al Boliska

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

• Samuel Goldwyn

Be careful about reading health books• you might die from a misprint.

• Mark Twain

Time wounds all heels.

• Anonymous

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

• Oliver Herford

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

• Bob Hope

A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen.

• Emily Lotney

A gentleman is someone who is never unintentionally rude.

• Oscar Wilde

The two most beautiful words in the English language are: "check enclosed."

• Dorothy Parker

Usually, the food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.

• Ralph Collier

Headaches are all in your mind.

• Anonymous

The jean. The jean is the destruction. It is the dictator. It is destroying creativity. The jean must be stopped.

• Pierre Cardin

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

• Frank McKinney Hubbard

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

• Al Boliska

The trees in Siberia are miles apart• that's why the dogs are so fast.

• Bob Hope

That modern icon, Forrest Gump,

was intellectually challenged, but nevertheless worked very hard to maximize his potential, such as it was. The protagonist of this story, Rosemary, was very similar to Forrest in many respects. She worked very hard, she studied hard, and she

greatly hated being less smart than the other children. Generally, this made her work even harder, but at times she became discouraged. One day she asked her favorite teacher if she really would someday become smarter if she continued to work very hard. The encouragement came, ... "You will be partially sage, Rosemary, in time."