Jokes4U - 20

This excuse could save your life

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

He then goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

One beer leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands."

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says...

"You Damn liar. You went bowling again!"

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

It was laying limp in my hand.

It was very long, kind of thin.

I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it.

I was turning it on.

It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet.

Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.