A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.
Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person.
Jack, whenever placed in a terribled situation would say, 'It could have been worse.'
Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that so one day they decided to to lie to Jack.
They went up to him and said, 'Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself!
Isn't it terrible???'
Then Jack said, 'Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!'
The townspeople said, 'How could THAT possibly be worse?'
Then Jack replied, 'Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!'