A lawyer named Strange died,...
...and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
Two Priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first Priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF," the first Priest is gone The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?"
"No, son, I told you the computer's down.
There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second Priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests.
"Will you have any difficulty locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard."
Groucho Marx quotes:
"Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said
"I was just whispering in her mouth".
"Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution...
but who wants to live in an institution?
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep
his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
"Why don't you go home to your wife?
Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me.
Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing."