Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say,
"I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"
A Texan dies and goes to hell.
While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy.
The Texan says, "I really like it here.
The temperature is just like Dallas in June."
The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan.
He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be.
The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.
The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July."
The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise.
He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 90%.
"Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.
So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before.
The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now.
The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August." The devil says,
"That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.
"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself.
He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.
"What are you so happy about now," ask the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series!"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant...
...approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said,
"I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied:
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."