A blonde decides to try riding horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when --fortunately-- the WalMart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years,
died together in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion,
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house jacuzzi.
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon.
They would have golfing privileges every day.
In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free!"
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!"
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened,
and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.
The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now.
The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...
The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"
Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father.
"This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."
Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for eight to 10 pounds!"