One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,"What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Bought My Wife
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Fix It All the Time
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Had One Never Did Again
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"