An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two where feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."
Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Politically Correct Terms About Females
She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: Easy
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She will never: Sag
She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED
She does not have: Big Hair
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied.
"I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
My friend's daughter is four years old, and has a hard time grasping the concept of marriage.
Thinking visual images would help my friend got out their wedding album, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"